“I’m such a people pleaser …………”
“I wish I wasn’t such a people pleaser”
I get comments like this from my clients most weeks, they are usually female by the way.
Are you someone who cares a lot about whether other people like you, and always wants others to approve of what you do? Do you find yourself pacifying others? Agreeing with everyone? Avoiding conflict for fear of upsetting people? Trying to be all things to all people?
If so keep this article is for you – I’m going to explain what people pleasing is and how to break free from it.
Let’s start with what it is.
It’s the strong desire for approval, validation, and acceptance from others. It’s about going to great lengths to accommodate the needs and wishes of others, often at the expense of our own wants and well-being.
As women we’re conditioned to put others first, so at first glance people-pleasing can seem like a positive trait. But it can have detrimental impacts on your mental and emotional well-being. Constantly seeking external validation can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and low self-esteem, as your self-worth becomes reliant on others’ opinions.
As a people-pleaser you might find it challenging to say “no” to requests or to set boundaries, leading to an overwhelming sense of responsibility and potential burnout. This can lead to neglecting your own needs and desires.
Many people-pleasers confuse people-pleasing with kindness, thinking they “don’t want to be selfish” and “want to be a good person.” One sign of being a people-pleaser is frequently apologizing.
People can take advantage of you and put upon you, sometimes unwittingly, because you are always agreeable.
You may be a bit of a people pleaser or you may be a huge people pleaser – as with most things in life it’s on a scale. Wherever you are on the scale here’s some ways to reduce your people pleasing behaviours so that you can live your life on your terms
- Set yourself personal boundaries: Take the time to identify your own needs, values, and limits. Clearly define what you are willing and unwilling to do for others. Communicate your boundaries assertively and stick to them. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being and say “no” when necessary.
- Reflect on your motivations: Understand why you feel compelled to please others. Reflect on any underlying fears, insecurities, or patterns that may be driving your people-pleasing behaviour.
- Develop your assertiveness skills: Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs assertively without being overly accommodating or aggressive. Practice using “I” statements to express yourself and make requests. Building assertiveness skills will help you communicate your boundaries and desires effectively, while still respecting the needs of others.
- Surround yourself with supportive people: individuals who value and respect your boundaries, and who encourage your personal growth. Seek out relationships that are based on mutual respect and genuine connection. Having a support system that understands and supports your journey away from people-pleasing can really help to break the cycle.
- Practice self-care: Prioritise self-care and as well as making time for activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. When you prioritise yourself, you’ll be better equipped to navigate difficulties and make decisions that align with your own needs and desires.
I hope this article has helped you understand people pleasing a little better and that if you need to overcome this in your life you’ve now got some practical tools to help.
Maybe you see an excess of people pleasing in someone close to you, if so please do forward the article to support them too.
You’ll find more blogs and videos on related topics such as setting boundaries, saying no and needing to be liked on my website and You Tube channel.
As always if you’re looking for more individual support on this topic please do get in touch and let’s chat about how I can help.
Bye for now.