Picture this: A young girl stamps her foot in frustration, face flushed with rage, and immediately hears the familiar refrain: “That’s not very lady-like.”
Fast forward twenty years, and that same girl – now a professional woman – sits in a meeting, smiling politely while a male colleague takes credit for her work.
Her anger burns inside, but she’s learned to swallow it, along with the countless other moments of rage she’s suppressed throughout her life.
This is not just one woman’s story – it’s a shared experience that echoes across generations, cultures, and continents.
The message is clear: feminine anger is uncomfortable, inappropriate, and must be contained.
But at what cost? And why should we be contained?
I was recently reading about the behavioural changes that can happen to us as we go through the menopause, one of which is that we often feel more anger and are more willing to express it.
As a woman in her menopause, who works with younger female clients, I recognise both the change in me and the frustration and suppression in those I work with.
The role of gender conditioning
From an early age, girls learn that expressing anger is “unladylike.” While boys are often given space for their rage – “boys will be boys” – young girls quickly internalise that anger makes them “difficult,” “dramatic,” or “hysterical.” This social conditioning creates a complex relationship between women and our anger that can have far-reaching consequences for our mental and physical wellbeing.
The suppression of feminine anger happens through countless small moments: being told to “smile more,” hearing that “nice girls don’t shout,” or receiving disapproving looks for showing frustration. In professional settings, angry women are often labelled as “emotional” or “unstable,” while their male counterparts displaying identical behaviour are seen as “passionate” or “strong leaders.”
This double standard teaches us to swallow our anger, redirect it inward, or transform it into more “acceptable” emotions like sadness or anxiety. Many women become experts at maintaining a calm exterior while rage simmers beneath the surface. Often we become so conditioned to repressing our anger that we don’t even feel it anymore.
Impact on our well being
Suppressed anger doesn’t simply disappear – it manifests in our bodies and minds in numerous harmful ways:
– Physical symptoms: Chronic tension, jaw clenching, headaches, digestive issues, and elevated blood pressure
– Mental health effects: Depression, anxiety, and a disconnection from authentic emotions
– Behavioural patterns: People-pleasing, passive-aggressive communication, and self-destructive habits
– Relationship issues: Difficulty setting boundaries and expressing needs directly
Over time, this internalised anger can erode self-esteem and create a deep sense of powerlessness. The energy required to constantly manage and suppress anger also depletes valuable emotional and mental resources that could be directed toward growth, achievement and happiness.
Release your anger – in a healthy way
Reconnecting with, and expressing, anger in healthy ways is crucial for our wellbeing. Here are some effective strategies for processing and releasing anger that you might want to try:
1. Physical Release
– Vigorous exercise or movement
– Punch a cushion or use a punching bag
– Scream into a pillow or in nature
– Dance it out to intense music
2. Emotional Processing
– Journal about your anger, safe in the knowledge that no one else will ever read it
– Practice rage writing: write letters you’ll never send
– Join women’s circles or support groups – talk about it
– Work with a coach or therapist to explore and understand your anger
3. Direct Expression
– Practice using “I” statements to express anger clearly
– Set and maintain firm boundaries
– Name injustices and advocate for change
– Allow yourself to say “no” without explanation
Embracing Anger as Power
When properly channelled, anger can be a powerful force for positive change. History shows us that women’s anger has fuelled social movements, sparked revolutionary changes, and challenged systemic injustices. Learning to embrace anger as a natural and valuable emotion can lead to:
– Greater authenticity in relationships
– Improved self-advocacy
– Enhanced emotional intelligence
– Stronger boundaries
– More effective leadership
By understanding that anger often signals violated boundaries or unmet needs, we can use it as a compass for personal growth and social change. The goal isn’t to eliminate our anger but to develop a healthy relationship with it – to feel it and express it.
I’m committed to empowering women and want to help as many individuals as possible to feel empowered and achieve their potential, contact me if you’d like to find out more.
Book in a call if you’d like to have a no obligation conversation about working together https://www.alto.uk.com/contact/