Most people give me a quizzical look when I ask them this question, the truth is that everyone has an internal dialogue going on most of the time. Although we may not recognise it and realise when it’s helpful and when it’s not.
Our mind is incredibly powerful, our thinking, and what we say to ourselves as a result, can help and motivate us, however it can also hold us back.
What we believe drives our actions and the subsequent results we get, what I have learnt over the years is that even the most high-achieving business leaders have some beliefs that can stop them operating to their full potential. Beliefs create the framework that shapes our actions and so we develop habits in the way we behave based on these beliefs.
Beliefs such as: ‘I should succeed at everything I do’; ‘I should automatically get it”; I should be able to anticipate problems before they occur’; ‘I should be able to do everything myself, if I ask for help people with think I’m useless’. These thoughts are particularly heightened at times when we’re in an unfamiliar situation such as going into a new role or on returning to work from maternity leave. ‘I should be a better mother’ was one of mine, I think I’ve cracked this one now given my daughter is a strong, pretty self-assured 22 year old and appreciates what I’ve done for her – result!
What beliefs do you have about yourself? What stories are you telling yourself? Are they true? Take a moment to think about this, jot down your thoughts. I bet you went straight to the negative beliefs you hold about yourself didn’t you.
This sort of thinking can lead us to really doubt ourselves and undermine our confidence.
As well as these beliefs we hold about ourselves we have that voice in our head that is critical, you know the one ‘you can’t do this’ ‘who do you think you are’ ‘you are not ready yet’ – our beliefs together wtih our ‘voices’ can be a potent combination.
You might refer to this voice as your mind monkeys, inner gremlin, inner chimp or inner critic – whatever you want to call them, we’ve all got them. It’s that voice in our head that chatters on at us, makes us feel agitated and anxious, ‘others are better than me’ ‘you shouldn’t really be here/in this job – you’ll get found out’.
This voice, or voices, are part of our basic safety and survival instinct, the terms like inner critic are used in psychology and psychotherapy to characterise this voice. Unfortunately, this inner critic can really impact women, we can often hear it very loudly, to exclusion of more realistic thinking.
The inner critic voice wants us to belong, to be acceptable, it carries messages like ‘never good enough’ ‘who do you think you are’, it’s often shaming ‘you should ….’ It’s anxious and reacts very fast. At the surface level it can seem like the voice of reason but it stops us from taking action, keeps us in a place that is too comfortable. People talk about getting out of your comfort zone – the reason is that’s when we grow and develop we start to tap into more of our potential.
Are you listening to a very loud inner critic too often and it’s stopping you from hearing your realistic, calm voice and hearing your dreams and aspirations too?
Do you recognise this voice? It’s anxious, repetitive, it makes definite pronouncements and it focuses on the problems or areas that are lacking.
Why not take a moment now to reflect on what your inner critic says to you, really think hard about the times when you feel scared or don’t do things – what is that voice saying to you? When do you hear it most loudly?
We all have this inner critic thinking in our heads and we also have realistic thinking, although sometimes that feels deeply buried and we can’t hear it. What’s the difference between this inner critic thinking and realistic thinking? Realistic thinking is more curious, asks what if, seeks solutions, is calmer, is interested in the evidence we see not the emotion we feel, it moves us forward.
The inner critic voice is a fundamental part of us, it’s there to protect us from danger, wants us to avoid any potential emotional risk or harm. Because of this we do not get rid of it, we need to learn to manage it instead. Here’s a few ideas on how to do that –
- Learn to identify and differentiate between the two voices I’ve described
- Give your inner critic a persona and a name
- Ask ‘what does my safety instinct not like about this situation’
- Thank your inner critic for what it is trying to do – protect you; be compassionate to this voice
- Reassure your inner critic and then remove them from the situation or turn down their volume.
Listen to the chatter that’s going on in your head. Once you are aware of the voices and what sort of situations trigger these thoughts, you have an opportunity to respond differently by managing your inner critic and switching to realistic thinking.
I hope this article has helped you think differently about the voices in your head. If you would like some support in managing your self-doubt and increasing your confidence please do get in touch, I’d love to help.
Photo by Jamie Haughton on Unsplash