Tips for Reducing Mental Load

Start by spending some time thinking about what your expectations are yourself actually are. Do they help or hinder you? We have a life time of social conditioning, societal norms and expectations about gender roles that shape what we expect of ourselves.
Try to start solving this problem with an open mind, try to let go of these norms and expectations. For instance the idea of male partners “helping out with the kids” needs to change, you are both parents and can share the load.
Have a think about what can you just drop, stop doing or do differently to lighten the load?
Jot it down when you think of things that you are doing or need to do, ideally in one place, then go through it at the end of the day. It’s much easier to keep it on paper than in your head. Over time keep a track of what’s going through your head, your ‘mental load thoughts’. This will be helpful in agreeing new responsibilities with your partner and/or children in the future (what out for ideas on this in the coming days)
Let out your frustrations before you get to that stamping your feet and shrieking point. What are ways you can release tension? Physical movement is a good one for shifting anger and frustration, shake it out, dance, run. Also talking is good to letting things out, maybe a rant to a trusted friend is a good starting place.
Do you think that asking for ‘help’ is a sign of weakness? It isn’t, it’s actually a sign of strength, a sign of knowing what is right for you and your family. You may also want to think about reframing ‘help’ – is sharing the load with your partner asking for help or is it taking equal responsibility in raising your family?
Let go of some control. We often have deeply ingrained self-expectations of being a good mother and good partner, maybe we think we should do it all or that it should be done the ‘right way’ aka our way! Trust that it can be done by someone else, maybe not your way but it will be done.
Try to stop berating yourself for what you haven’t done and focus on what you have achieved instead.
Do you have a silent expectation of your partner? Do you expect them to be a mind reader or just know what needs to be done when you’ve always dealt with it? This is unhelpful thinking on our part. Start talking with your partner.
Explain the mental load to your partner, you could send them my blog (link to blog) on the topic then talk about it (see the next point).
I know that talking to your partner about this is really tricky but it is essential. Give examples of how it is in your life – Christmas present buying for instance, ensuring the PE kit is clean. Talk about how you feel, your stress and anxiety, carefully choosing your words so as not to blame your other half, think about using ‘I’ not ‘you’. Help them understand about how our societal/cultural expectations affect the situation, our deep rooted conditioning and how it’s hard for you not feel responsible. This is the start of renegotiating traditional gender roles in your household.
Explore together how you can share the ‘management’ of the household. What are the planning and management tasks as well as the household chores? Maybe you’re good at the splitting chores between you but you still have the planning and management tasks? Holidays, house insurance, utilities. What would feel like a good balance between you? (More idea’s on this tomorrow)
A good way to start sharing the ‘management’ of the household is to list out all the things that need doing around the house – from emptying the bins to booking a holiday. Who in your household can take responsibility for each task, it’s good to get the children involved in this early on too.
Have a weekly couple meeting and family meeting – over dinner maybe, talking about what’s going on, what’s coming up in the next few weeks, allocate tasks between you. Keep talking about it.
Remember as you are dividing up the household management and chores between you, your partner and your children you are allowing others to take full responsibility – it’s off your plate, off your load.

Remember, addressing the mental load problem is often about a mindset shift, then developing new habits and practicing them. It’s takes some work but lots of small steps will make a difference.